The College Fund That Wasn’t There

My dad was always very strict: No grades below a B, he’d pre-approve every class, and there’d be weekly check-ins. Despite working hard and mostly getting A’s, I had a few B’s. That was enough for him to say, “I’M PULLING YOUR COLLEGE FUND. YOU DIDN’T MEET THE STANDARD.” I didn’t argue. Honestly, I felt relieved. I’d rather be in debt than controlled for four more years. So I paid for college myself โ€“ job, loans, hustle. But he never told anyone. He let everyone think he was funding it. At a family BBQ, my uncle asked him, “So how much is tuition these days?” I snapped, “Why are you asking him when I’m the one paying for it?” At that very moment, my dadโ€™s face went red.

I could see the anger bubbling beneath his surface, but it was too late. The truth was out there. The family didnโ€™t know the full story, and honestly, I didnโ€™t expect them to. But it felt good. It felt like I had finally taken control of my own life.

The room went silent, except for the sound of ice cubes clinking in a glass. My uncle looked at me, wide-eyed, his face a mixture of surprise and discomfort. My dad, though, didnโ€™t say anything. He just stood there, stiff and unmoving, clearly trying to process what had just happened. His silence was louder than any argument I could have made.

“Youโ€™re paying for it yourself?” my uncle asked, still processing the shock. โ€œBut your dad said he was taking care of it.โ€

I nodded, feeling a bit of a sting in my chest. โ€œI wish he had, but he decided to pull the plug once I didnโ€™t meet his expectations.โ€

Everyone at the table was now looking at me. The tension in the air was thick. My dad stayed silent, not making eye contact with anyone, and I couldnโ€™t help but feel a little triumphant in that moment. I wasnโ€™t a victim anymore. I was doing it on my own, and the world could know it.

My mom, who had been sitting quietly on the edge of the conversation, finally spoke up. โ€œYou didnโ€™t tell anyone?โ€ she asked me, her voice soft but questioning. โ€œWhy didnโ€™t you say something?โ€

I looked at her, surprised. She hadnโ€™t been the one pushing me all my life, but she had known about the situation. โ€œYou know how he is, Mom. Heโ€™d never let me live it down if I told anyone. I wasnโ€™t going to let him have that kind of power over me anymore.โ€

She sighed and nodded. I knew she understood. Over the years, she had always been supportive, but she never could find the courage to challenge my dad. I think she was just as afraid of his anger as I had been.

“Is that true?” my uncle asked, turning to my dad, whose silence was now even more deafening. “Are you really not paying for your kidโ€™s college?”

Finally, my dad spoke, his voice tight. “Iโ€™m not required to pay for her college. I set standards, and she didnโ€™t meet them. Thatโ€™s how it goes.”

His words hit me like a ton of bricks. I hadnโ€™t heard him talk like that in front of the family, and hearing it stung more than I expected. It was always different when it was just the two of us. But this? This felt like a public shaming.

โ€œI did meet the standards,โ€ I said, my voice shaky, but determined. โ€œI worked harder than anyone else. But you made your decision, and Iโ€™m fine with it.โ€

My dad looked like he was about to say something more, but I didnโ€™t wait for him. I couldnโ€™t. My emotions were running wild, and I felt like I couldnโ€™t hold it back anymore. I excused myself from the table and walked away, leaving everyone behind.

The next few days were a blur. I spent most of my time processing what had happened, trying to make sense of my feelings. The relief I had initially felt was now replaced by anger and hurt. I had spent years trying to meet my dadโ€™s standards, to prove that I could live up to his expectations. And now, to have him publicly diminish everything I had worked for? It made me feel smaller than Iโ€™d ever felt in my life.

I couldnโ€™t understand why he didnโ€™t see how much I had given up to be here, how hard I had worked for every penny, for every step forward. It wasnโ€™t just about the moneyโ€”it was about trust, respect, and love. And in that moment, I realized I had never really had those things from him.

A few days later, my phone rang. I didnโ€™t recognize the number, but I picked it up anyway.

โ€œHello?โ€ I answered, my voice still hoarse from the emotion of the last few days.

โ€œHey, itโ€™s me,โ€ my dadโ€™s voice came through, hesitant. โ€œWe need to talk.โ€

I froze, my stomach sinking. โ€œTalk about what?โ€

โ€œIโ€™m sorry,โ€ he said, his voice quieter now. โ€œI should have never said what I did. Iโ€™ve been thinking about it, and I donโ€™t want you to think I donโ€™t care. I just… Iโ€™ve always pushed you because I wanted you to be the best. I didnโ€™t know how to show you that I was proud of you. But I am. I just… I wanted to teach you discipline. I didnโ€™t mean for it to hurt you.โ€

I could feel the lump in my throat tightening. โ€œIt did hurt me,โ€ I said, my voice barely above a whisper. โ€œIt hurt a lot. Iโ€™ve spent my whole life trying to make you proud, and now, I feel like everything I did was never enough for you. Itโ€™s not about the money. Itโ€™s about how you made me feel. Like Iโ€™m just a project you need to control.โ€

There was a long silence on the other end of the line, and I could almost hear him thinking. โ€œI didnโ€™t know it was that bad,โ€ he finally said, his voice quieter. โ€œI didnโ€™t know you felt that way.โ€

โ€œIโ€™ve felt this way for years,โ€ I replied, my frustration slipping into my words. โ€œBut Iโ€™ve learned to live with it. Iโ€™ve learned to do everything myself. Thatโ€™s why Iโ€™m paying for college. Thatโ€™s why Iโ€™m doing this on my own. Because I donโ€™t need anyone to tell me how to live my life anymore.โ€

โ€œI get it now,โ€ he said, his voice cracking slightly. โ€œIโ€™m sorry. I just wanted you to be successful. But I see now that Iโ€™ve been holding you back. I didnโ€™t know it until you said it.โ€

I didnโ€™t know how to respond. The conversation had taken a turn I didnโ€™t expect. My dad, the man who had always been so hard on me, was actually apologizing. But even as I processed his words, I wasnโ€™t sure if I could ever forgive him completely. The damage had been done.

โ€œItโ€™s not just about the apology,โ€ I said. โ€œItโ€™s about what happens next. Iโ€™m not your project. Iโ€™m a person. And Iโ€™ve spent too long trying to prove Iโ€™m good enough for you. But now, Iโ€™m proving it to myself.โ€

There was a quiet moment. Then, my dad spoke again, this time with more conviction. โ€œYouโ€™re right. You donโ€™t need to prove anything to me. Iโ€™ve always known you were capable. Iโ€™m proud of you, whether I showed it or not. I just… Iโ€™m sorry for not saying it before.โ€

A weight lifted from my chest. It wasnโ€™t a perfect resolution, but it was a step in the right direction. Maybe my dad wasnโ€™t the person I wanted him to be, but he was still my dad. And maybe, just maybe, he was starting to understand what I needed from him.

The days that followed were filled with more quiet conversations, each one bringing a little more clarity. My dad and I slowly rebuilt our relationship. It wasnโ€™t perfect, but it was real. He learned to show me respect, and I learned to stand up for myself in ways I hadnโ€™t before.

As for my college journey? I finished paying it off, each step feeling like a victory. I didnโ€™t need anyoneโ€™s validation but my own. I had worked hard to get where I was, and no one could take that away from me.

The lesson, I guess, is that sometimes the people who are supposed to lift us up can unintentionally hold us down. But we donโ€™t have to stay stuck. We can rise above it. We can build our own paths, no matter what anyone says.

If youโ€™ve ever been in a situation where you felt like you werenโ€™t enough, remember this: you are more than enough. Donโ€™t let anyone make you feel otherwise. Share this story with someone who needs to hear it. Maybe itโ€™ll inspire them to stand tall and take control of their own journey.