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Losing a child is a pain that never fully heals. As a mother who has experienced this heart-wrenching loss, I know the pain and emptiness that comes with it.
Today, as I reflect on the passing of my beloved daughter, I can’t help but feel a mix of sadness and relief. Sadness because she is no longer physically with us, but relief because she is finally free from her pain.
Being a mother doesn’t end when a child passes away. Even in her absence, I will forever be a mother to all three of my children. However, on days like today, I can’t help but think of my grandchildren, who have lost their incredible mother. The pain they feel is immeasurable, and all I can do is be there for them, to offer love and support in whatever way I can.
It’s been five and a half years since my oldest daughter, Dame Deborah James, was diagnosed with bowel cancer at the age of 35. She was a vibrant, healthy woman with two young children, yet cancer found its way into her life. It was a shock to us all, but Deborah faced her diagnosis with bravery and determination, just as she had faced every challenge in her life.
Deborah didn’t just want to fight her own battle with cancer; she wanted to raise awareness and help others facing the same struggle. She became a powerful voice in the cancer community, sharing her story through her writing and podcasts, and advocating for early screening and detection. Her love for her children fueled her desire to create a better world, where they wouldn’t have to worry about the same fate.
During her illness, Deborah moved in with us, and we spent precious weeks together. It was a time filled with love, both happiness and sadness. We had movie nights, celebrated an impromptu engagement party, and even had a visit from Prince William. Our bond grew stronger, and I promised to be there for her children, just as I had been for her.
When Deborah took her last breath, I held her hand tightly, providing comfort and love until the very end. It was a peaceful passing, a moment of closure after everything she had endured. In the days and months that followed, I channeled my grief into supporting Deborah’s husband and children, trying to keep busy and distract myself from the pain.
But grief has its own timeline, and it catches up with you when you least expect it. On the anniversary of Deborah’s passing, panic attacks overwhelmed me, making it difficult to leave the house. It was clear that I needed to confront my grief head-on. Antidepressants helped ease some of the pain, but it was also important for me to talk about Deborah and cherish the memories we shared.
As time goes on, there are moments of healing and joy amidst the sadness. Birthdays and milestones are bittersweet, as we miss Deborah’s presence but honor her memory by celebrating life. Her spirit lives on in her family, especially her children, and in the impact she made in raising awareness and funds for cancer research.
The pain of losing a child never goes away, but through love, support, and the legacy Deborah left behind, we find the strength to carry on. As a mother, my love for all my children will forever be intertwined, and I will continue to honor Deborah’s memory by being the best mother I can be to her precious children.
